Pam Ayres - The Works: The Classic Collection View offer The Works contains 120 of Pam Ayres' best-known poems, including 'The Battery Hen', 'Please Will You Take Your Children Home Before I Do Them In? "So Mr and Mrs RamsbottomQuite rightly, when all's said and doneComplained to the Animal Keeper That the lion had eaten their son. Oh, homework!You're giving me fits. They’ll think we’ve upped and died. So straight 'way the brave little feller Not showing a morsel of fearTook 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle And pushed it in Wallace's ear! I need to help my son choose a poem to learn for year 5 literacy. or debate this issue live on our message boards. Just seen Pam Ayres on Gardeners World and it got me remembering some her of fantastic poems, googled some of them and came across this one. Pam Ayres was born in 1947 in Berkshire and left Faringdon Secondary Modern School at the age of 15. Pam Ayres, ‘Oh, I Wish I’d Looked After Me Teeth’. From which she sprang to terrify all knockers at the door. The manager wanted no trouble He took out his purse right away And said, "How much to settle the matter?" “This poem seems to be everywhere attributed to me but it isn’t mine,” Ayres tweeted on April 14. Round they went to the Police Station In front of a Magistrate chapThey told 'im what happened to Albert And proved it by showing his cap.The Magistrate gave his o-pinionThat no-one was really to blame He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms Would have further sons to their name.At that Mother got proper blazing "And thank you, sir, kindly," said she"What waste all our lives raising childrenTo feed ruddy lions? 10But I wished I had n’t when teacher said, “Now, Dorothy, tell if you can.” For I thought of my doll and—sakes alive!—I answered, “Mary Ann!”, the homework one is looking like a hit at the moment, I remember learning this poem by Shel Silverstein at about that age:"I cannot go to school today"Said little Peggy Ann McKay. THE DOLLY ON THE DUSTCART - Pam Ayres Poems : Poems » pam ayres » the dolly on the dustcart. The music of her tippy tappy doggy dancing feet. And if I’d had a rotten day, if I was tired and spent. Roger McGough, I've always loved this oneI STUDIED my tables over and over, and backward and forward, too; But I could n’t remember six times nine, and I did n’t know what to do, Till sister told me to play with my doll, and not to bother my head. Oct 7, 2019 - Explore Brian Prince's board "Poems Pam Ayres", followed by 875 people on Pinterest. Are the tippy tappy toenails as they skidded down the hall. by Pam Ayres Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth, And spotted the perils beneath, All the toffees I chewed, And the sweet sticky food, Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth. Oh, Homework!by Jack Prelutsky============ Homework! The 71-year-old poet, comedian, songwriter and presenter first found fame with an appearance on Opportunity Knocks in 1975. Here comes Pam Ayres…and she looks like a cod!’. You see, we are the ‘oldies’ now. But all my careful plans have gone to pot. “It’s by Jan Beaumont.” Indeed, Beaumont originally posted the poem on Facebook on March 27. Homework! Part of the Daily Mail, The Mail on Sunday & Metro Media Group. Our friends abandoned hope and went to bed, O Botox, O Botox, I’m ever so keen, To look as I looked at the age of sixteen, Induce paralysis, do as I ask, Give me, O give me a face like a mask.O take up a surgical bicycle pump, And give me some lips that are lovely and plump, Young men will stagger and say ‘Oh my God! You stink!I wish I could wash youaway in the sink.If only a bombwould explode you to bits.Homework! You could see that the lion didn't like itFor giving a kind of a rollHe pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im And swallowed the little lad... whole! How disproportionate; so great a loss for one so small. 16 Nov, 2020. It’s like crossing the equator! To think this woman was just being a dick/trying to make things hard for people who are distancing? Share your comments. Oh, homework!I hate you! What's that? Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you? A brilliant poem as funny as all her poems are! or debate this issue live on our message boards. Pam is a wonder and her gentle humorous verses will have you chuckling. I switched on BBC Radio 7 purely by chance while in the kitchen this morning, and was rewarded with this: ... poems. The Works contains 120 of Pam Ayres' best-known poems from the 1970s and 1980s, including The Battery Hen; Please Will You Take Your Children Home Before I Do Them In? By Shirleypoppy. Autumn 2020. Poetry4kids.com - we were in stitches, especially the one about the toughest baker, My favourite is The Lion and Albert - a monologue originally.There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,That's noted for fresh-air and fun, And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom Went there with young Albert their son. Will I have to keep trying so hard? Don’t say you’re going to eat another snack. Yes, I'm going to kill my husband, I shall have him to be sure, He's never going to curse my navigation any more. She says that she wrote them to be proclaimed out loud with gusto. Pam Ayres: In Her Own Words. THE DOLLY ON THE DUSTCART I'm the dolly on the dustcart, ... Modern children like so much, I'm one of those hard old dollies, What are very cold to touch, Modern dolly's underwear, Leaves me a … Now, as my key turns in the lock, the sound I miss the most of all. In her poem Pollen on the Wind, she writes: “I loved it as a friend, but now must learn to dwell apart/ From my home . Well I'm just going to slump, With my dowager's hump And watch myself turn into lard. Reading, writing, and enjoying famous Pam Ayres poetry (as well as classical and contemporary poems) is a great past time. . The Berkshire-born comic poet Pam Ayres came to the British public’s attention in 1975 when she appeared on the talent show Opportunity Knocks; a string of bestselling volumes of humorous poems followed. I went to buy a lipstick, and I hoped for some advice, On choosing an attractive shade, to make my face look nice, I stepped up to the counter in my trainers and my mack, But the sales assistant saw me and she vanished out the back.She was absolutely flawless and an advertiser’s dream, She was icy as a glacier and chic in the extreme, I was clearly not the customer that she desired to meet, I could have been some reptile that had crawled in off the street.And I thought I’d find the manager and have a little word, In favour of an altogether craggier old bird, Some game old gal who’s been around the block a time or three, Who is fending off the years and has a waist as thick as me.An understanding confidante with whom you could relax, Who knows the way that lipstick tends to bleed into the cracks, A saviour for those of us who know our youth is past, To show us all the tricks and keep us fighting to the last. She had written the foreword to a book written by June Lewis who like her lived in the Cotswolds as we did then. Poet Pam Ayres (Image: Loughborough Town Hall). Her poems take a humorous and honest look at life's pleasures and tribulations and includes such poems as Oh I Wish I'd Looked After me Teeth and Do You Think Bruce Springsteen Would Fancy Me?. For the music it is missing, and my home is incomplete. Since I took her to the surgery and came back on my own. I met her a few years ago at a book launch. Read all poems of Pam Ayres and infos about Pam Ayres. This is a select list of the best famous Pam Ayres poetry. Recent posts by Shirleypoppy. But Mother had turned a bit awkward When she thought where her Albert had goneShe said, "No! Get the right poem for your girl friend or best friend on their birthday and more. To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. Mail on Sunday I keep smiling, remembering moments performed by the incredible Pam Ayres at the Curve Theatre Leicester last night. by Pam Ayres I am going to kill my husband, I have stuck all I can stick, His constant criticising is getting on my wick. “WOODLAND BURIAL”: a poem by Pam Ayers Don’t lay me in some gloomy churchyard shaded by a wall Where the dust of ancient bones has spread a dryness over all, This is a list of the They’ll never know the things we did. Poet Pam Ayres is a bit of a national treasure. I loved it as a child but had forgotten it till today. Taken from You Made Me Late Again! To tell my friend I don't want her "birthday gift"? A collection of the poetry of Pam Ayres, this book offers an amalgamation of all her published works. Featuring a mix of new and classic poems and monologues, Pam’s unique style has made her a firm favourite with audiences both in the UK and throughout the world. "So the manager had to be sent for He came and he said, "What's to do?" "I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.I'm going blind in my right eye.My tonsils are as big as rocks,I've counted sixteen chicken pox.And there's one more - that's seventeen,And don't you think my face looks green?My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,It might be the instamatic flu.I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,I'm sure that my left leg is broke.My hip hurts when I move my chin,My belly button's caving in.My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,My 'pendix pains each time it rains.My toes are cold, my toes are numb,I have a sliver [splinter] in my thumb.My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,I hardly whisper when I speak.My tongue is filling up my mouth,I think my hair is falling out.My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,My temperature is one-o-eight.My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,There's a hole inside my ear.I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...What? Not me!". Apr 23, 2014 - 'Seagull' is featured in the brand new collection, You Made Me Late Again by Pam Ayres. For this new edition Pam has written a general introduction, as well as individual introductions to the poe Dd really likes Please Mrs Butler and Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes. It’s boiling! I will always remember her infectious sense of humour. Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too. We need laughter in our lives just now and Pam is a master at this. Here is a collection of the all-time best famous Pam Ayres poems. It’s the silence. Which of course would make us even later. It is blacker than the night. Poets; Poems; Sign Up; Login; POET'S PAGE; POEMS; Pam Ayres. I’m normally a social girl. I am a battery hen, on me back theres not a germ, I … ', 'Sling Another Chair Leg on the Fire, Mother' and, … Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence And didn't know what to do nextSaid, "Mother! “If you call her ‘Fifty-four’ for a while, you ’ll learn it by heart,” she said. It’s the silence. "Click!Then the gardener suddenly slapped his knee,And doubled up, shaking silently,And the ducks all quacked as if they were daftAnd is sounded as if the old drake laughed.O, there wasn't a thing that didn't respondWHENDaddy fell into the pond! There were one great big lion called Wallace His nose were all covered with scarsHe lay in a som-no-lent postureWith the side of his face to the bars.Now Albert had heard about lions How they were ferocious and wildAnd to see Wallace lying so peaceful Well... it didn't seem right to the child. someone's got to be summonsed"So that were decided upon. You stink! A grand little lad was their AlbertAll dressed in his best; quite a swell 'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle The finest that Woolworth's could sell.They didn't think much to the oceanThe waves, they was fiddlin' and small There was no wrecks... nobody drownded'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all. Pam Ayres was born in Stanford in the Vale, Berkshire, now administered as part of Oxfordshire. Oh, homework!I hate you! The sky was grey.We had nothing to do and nothing to say.We were nearing the end of a dismal day,And there seemed to be nothing beyond,THENDaddy fell into the pond!And everyone's face grew merry and bright,And Timothy danced for sheer delight. Yes, I’ll Marry You by Pam Ayres is one of our favourite wedding poems… “Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear. The days are slowly passing since I found her still and prone. Homework! Yon lions 'et Albert"And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed! The poor old geezer’s driving in a trance! Jan 1, 2019 - Explore Elizabeth Edgecumbe's board "Pam Ayers - Poetry" on Pinterest. "How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth,As they foamed in the waters beneath,But now comes the reckonin'It's me they are beckonin'Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.When Daddy fell into the pond by Alfred NoyesEveryone grumbled. Oh, homework!You're last on my list.I simply can't seewhy you even exist.If you just disappearedit would tickle me pink.Homework! And Milligan will always make me smile. Why not be the first to send us your thoughts, Pam Ayres on Gardening. I'm not going to keep exercising, I'm not going to take HRT, If a toy boy enquires I'll say, "Hah! So, seeking for further amusement They paid and went into the zoo Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els And old ale and sandwiches too. . wearymum200 thank you for reminding me about When Daddy Fell Into The Pond. Read what Mumsnetters thought of Cicaplast B5 repairing balm, Share your tips for keeping your children’s skin comfortable through the winter months, Share your tips for saving on your energy bill with ESB Energy, Talk widget showing discussions of the day & trending threads, Subscribe to Mumsnet emails direct to your inbox. Pam Ayres celebrates 30 years in show business with her one-woman show which was recorded live at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham in 2005. What a woman. Here is a selection from her new collection. We are off for a treat, it’s my birthday today, To London. Looking back to Lockdown#1 from Lockdown#2. You’re blocking out the mirror! I’d have thrown all me sherbet away. But lately with the virus here we can’t go out the gates. To order a copy for £14.99, with free p&p, contact the YOU Bookshop on 0844 472 4157 (you-bookshop.co.uk). What's that you say?You say today is .............. Saturday?G'bye, I'm going out to play!". Pam Ayres is absolutely essential to British humour. I love to meet my mates. And here’s the reason why: So I can push you out of bed When the baby starts to cry. To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet. If they haven’t seen us for a while. Did I turn off the tongs?I’m seeing the ruins, all smoking and black, The fire brigade hoses now useless and slack, The shock on the face of the horrified throngs, At the fate of those failing to turn off their tongs.Much later we sit in the restaurant dim, He’s smiling at me and I’m smiling at him, On this night which has hit him so hard in the pocket, I think: ‘Did I pull the plug out of the socket?’And when we get home and we sigh and we stop, And the day out has been a phenomenal flop, I hurry upstairs where I splutter and scoff, The birthday was ruined. And if we hear a knocking And it’s creepy and it’s late, I hand you the torch you … Oh, SIT BACK! The tail that wagged so furious, the eyes that shone so bright. Best if you hear her deliver them - I just love her voice. Her things are still around me, I have left them all alone. A little greasy collar, a yellow rubber bone. It's an old-fashioned thing , but I'm a beekeeper, and my dad was a beekeeper, and my granny was a beekeeper. 18 comments. How grievous is the emptiness on entering the hall. I could bite!If I'd known I was paving the way,To cavities, caps and decay,The murder of fiIlin'sInjections and drillin'sI'd have thrown all me sherbet away.So I lay in the old dentist's chair,And I gaze up his nose in despair,And his drill it do whine,In these molars of mine,"Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there. Since then she has gone on to perform for Her Majesty The Queen and was made the top 10 of a BBC poll to find the nation's100 favourite comic poems, for her piece Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Teeth. Published: 10:01 AEDT, 13 October 2013 | Updated: 10:01 AEDT, 13 October 2013, With her witty ditties full of humour and heart, Pam Ayres has been one of the nation's favourite poets for four decades. You see, we are the 'oldies' now We need to stay inside If they haven't seen us for a while They'll think we've upped and died. There was something in the welcome; there was something in her style. So stop awhile and explore here or even let Pam bend your ear for we could all do with her cheer. by Pam Ayres, published by Ebury Press, price £16.99. I know shes a patron of the BHWT but didnt know shed written a poem to them. Pam Ayres poems, quotations and biography on Pam Ayres poet page. Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money by Pam Ayres. We could have sailed there, calm and sweet. See more ideas about poems, verses, funny poems. Spike Milligan definitely, and I also like this: Goodbat Nightman by Roger McGough God bless all policemenand fighters of crime,May thieves go to jailfor a very long time.They've had a hard dayhelping clean up the town,Now they hang from the mantelpieceboth upside down.A glass of warm bloodand then straight up the stairs,Batman and Robinare saying their prayers. So I lie in the old dentist’s chair, And I gaze up his nose in despair, And his drill it do whine, In these molars of mine, “Two amalgam,” he’ll say, “for in there.”. Best Famous Pam Ayres Poems. We need to stay inside. Laughed and cried in equal measure. funny; Comments about Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money. Willie Built a Guillotine - by William E Engel Willie built a guillotine, Tried it out on sister Jean. The 100 best friend poems written by true friends about friendship where you can find the top friendship poems for best friends and a girl friend. Here is a selection from her new collection. After leaving Faringdon Secondary School at the age of 15, she joined the Civil Service as a clerical assistant and worked at the Army (RAOC) Central Ordnance Depot in Bicester . See more ideas about poetry, funny poems, poems. The keeper was quite nice about it He said, "What a nasty mishap Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?" This poem is related to. With her witty ditties full of humour and heart, Pam Ayres has been one of the nation's favourite poets for four decades. Enjoy Oh. About Lockdown – by Pam Ayres I'm normally a social girl I love to meet my mates But lately with the virus here We can't go out the gates. This is page 1 of 1 (This thread has 12 messages.). The tongs were turned off. A hairy tartan blanket in her basket on the floor. Pa said, "Am I sure? Choose a poem They Should Have Asked My Husband Down The Line Yes I’ll Marry You My Dear Woodland Burial PAM AYRES – Poem about the coronavirus. Is my orchid bent over and starting to choke? You see, we are the 'oldies' now We need to stay inside If they haven't seen us for a while They'll think we've upped and died. "Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller I think it's a shame and a sin For a lion to go and eat Albert And after we've paid to come in!" No comments have so far been submitted. If I had found indifference in every place I went. For details of Pam’s current and future theatre tours, visit pamayres.com. Always at my journey’s end, when I was flat and lonely. by Pam Ayres Will I have to be sexy at sixty? Next day Elizabeth Wigglesworth, who always acts so proud, Said, “Six times nine is fifty-two,” and I nearly laughed aloud! Would be appreciae some suggestions. Pam Ayres' Poem Time for us girls I'm normally a social girl I love to meet my mates But lately with the virus here We can't go out the gates. Amazon.co.uk: pam ayres poems Select Your Cookie Preferences We use cookies and similar tools to enhance your shopping experience, to provide our services, understand how customers use our services so we can make improvements, and display ads. Did I flick off the switch? That little dog convinced me I was someone’s one and only. We are no longer accepting comments on this article. "Give me the camera, quick, oh quick!He's crawling out of the duckweed. See more ideas about poems, funny poems, verses. I'd rather take bathswith a man-eating shark,or wrestle a lionalone in the dark,eat spinach and liver,pet ten porcupines,than tackle the homeworkmy teacher assigns. Jun 10, 2019 - Verses about everyday things that annoy or delight us all. And we’re staring at our watches in frustration. Here are some of Pam’s popular poems. Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money by Pam Ayres. I wish I'd been that much more willin' When I had more tooth there than fillin' To pass up gobstoppers, From respect to me choppers And to buy something else with me shillin'. Pam Ayres is celebrated in the UK (and far beyond) as a favourite radio, TV and stage entertainer; it is impossible to read her comic poems without hearing her voice in your head. Well I just cannot say, My ghastliest fears are rampaging away, I fret, while pretending to savour the drive, Are flames licking round my Chanel No 5?And mentally, throughout the show and applause, I check our insurance to look for the clause, That says any payout is shrouded in doubt, If you don’t turn your tongs off before you go out.Is my beautiful bathroom now swirling in smoke? Oldies ’ now look at a few Spike milligan pam ayres children's poems and Edward lear poems ) is a past... He came and He said this to you the music of her tippy tappy toenails as they down! Years ago at a book launch manager wanted no trouble He took out his purse right away said... Disappearedit would tickle me pink.Homework Brian Prince 's board `` Pam Ayers - ''! If you hear her deliver them - I just love her voice call her ‘Fifty-four’ for a,. That were decided upon Ayres celebrates 30 years in show business with her witty ditties full of humour his! Albert had goneShe said, `` Mother switched on BBC Radio, September 2018 Pam! `` Pam Ayers - poetry '' on Pinterest for reminding me about When Daddy Fell into the Pond favourite for. Quick, oh quick! He 's crawling out of bed When the baby to! 'Re last on my Own verses, funny poems, verses Pam ’ s popular poems Teeth ’ great. Fell into the Pond the poor old geezer ’ s end, I... Recorded live at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham in 2005 were decided upon have a... On Pam Ayres Stanford in the brand new collection, you Made me Late Again by Pam Ayres » DOLLY. 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